A little bit more of Whatever!!!

It is only about an hour before I should be taking my medicine for the day, but I have not yet been to sleep!!!  I just love being in a manic state.  Almost 6:15AM here I sit.  I have downloaded music for hours for Je and myself tonight.  I have also been going through and cleaning up his music stash on his computer and doing some Major re-organisation.  Milo Roberts is wearing his Christmas T from "Santa" laying here at my feet by the heater vent.  Daizie Mae wiggled her way out of her T earlier today when no one was looking.  I am just surprised my puggle can fit in it!  She is also learning how to work out with us now and walk on the treadmill.  

The past two weeks have been very exciting!!! K & M have been here with Je & I.    M has bright pink hair again.  Je thinks it looks like a pom-pom.  Je and I were so excited for the kids to come that after work was done last weekend we called to find out if we could come and pick them up at the crack of dawn just so we could see them earlier!!!  We strolled into Olathe around 5AM that day after driving around the neighbourhood trying to find the right house.  They all look the same and the GPS didn't know how to get us there since all the streets in that area are named exactly the same thing.  I even got confused and I am not usually bad with directions.  We got to have Je brother over one night for some fun time.  I know K really enjoyed it a lot.  Je and I got to play it for the 2nd time, but for K & M it was the first time playing our new game "Quelf".  I know my time will come when I have to end up taping a piece of paper to my head looking just as good as K & G-Ma did when she played with us Turkey Day.  After church on Christmas Eve we went to G-Ma's house so she could see K & M together.  K had helped me do her grocery shopping the day they got her so she got to see him for a little bit but this time we got to visit with all of us for a bit.  Sunday the kids will go home until Spring Break.  Sure will miss them once they are gone, but I know the time will fly by until they are here again.  I also got to teach K how to play the Yahtzee Flash.  He had a lot of fun with it too!!!

My new hoodie sure is nice and warm!!!  I turned the heater down after everyone went to bed and it got a little chilly here in the house but I didn't want to go turn it up.  Thank you so much to Mamma & S-D for everything.  I can't wait to make some more cake pops!!!  

I have been a little hurt by some people's attitudes lately.  I guess you learn who really cares about you by the way they treat you.  Sometimes it takes a little longer to do the weeding in your life and it might be some hard work, but eventually you can have that beautiful garden filled with some of the most beautiful plants and flowers.  I am so glad for everyone who has prayed for me lately with the things I have been going through.  I hope things are going to continue looking up from here on.  

We were all glad to hear about Aunt Lynna getting through her surgery.  We still are not sure exactly when but plan to hit Texas up on our vacation this year.  Yeah!  We are going to actually take a vacation.  We are trying to plan for a week!!! I am getting excited already.  We are also thinking of just going back to Oklahoma sometime soon.  We have not decided exactly when.  Maybe February will be a good month to revisit OK.  

 
Now it is almost 7AM as I realise I have been writing this and doing a little bit of chatting on facebook.  I think I just might go get my Kindle and see what books I can download.  Maybe there will be something good, on the Top 100 Free Books, this morning.  O whatever!!!

Whatever...A rant of sorts!!!

Like that was a big surprise!!!

Today I am so very thankful for all I have been blessed with.  Jeremy is so great as well as most of the rest of my family and my friends.  I have been blessed with a good job as well!!! One that I also enjoy.  I am really missing K & M though.  I can't wait until they are here for Christmas break.  

I am so sick and tired of all the drama others create and bring into my life.  I want it gone and am praying God makes that all possible.  Life is too short to be sick with stress all the time, especially when a lot of that stress is brought on by other people.  Just finding new and creative ways to deal with those stresses!!!

Entitlement...what does it mean to you?  

Some people think they are entitled to ANYTHING and EVERYTHING!!!  Sure work is a hard thing, and it can really suck at times, but I feel so much better about what I have because I earned it, not because I am waiting on someone to give me a hand-out for everything I want.  Je and I work very hard to have the things we do in our lives.  It is never bad to accept help when you need it, but it is VERY important to learn when you no longer need it and are just being downright Greedy!!!  It is okay to do without at times, I think you will appreciate what you have or what you work for more!

I guess I am going to send out a few Christmas cards this year.  If anyone would like one, that is assuming that anyone other than myself is going to read this then you should get a hold of me and get me your info so I can send you one!!!

Does anyone have any plans for next year? Just asking.  Would like to do a little traveling in the spring.  Hoping to go south again to TX.  Je wants to do some HAM Radio stuff, but I would love to see our family in TX again.  I sure do miss my Cousin (& would like to meet her new family) along with my Uncle & Aunt.  Also am missing my Mamma & S-Dad.  Feels like it has been forever since I have seen them.  Just over a year I know, but YES, I am complaining. I am glad to be here for G-Ma. I don't know what we would do without each other.  She even called just to let me know that Shrek is on TV.  Twice this past week!!!

Whatever!!!

I was inspired just over a week ago to start taking my pills as regularly as possible.  Recovery is not an easy process. I am trying hard to work my program.  I am so thankful that GOD is my higher power and He has the ability to help me recover!!!
I have been getting ready to go on a personal mission trip in August.  I am no where close to the amount of money I need to have raised for this trip.  I know God will provide for me.  He has so far and it is something I should not doubt.
I am trying to learn to cope in better ways than what I am used to.  It sure is not easy to try and be rational during times when my mind feels like it is going crazy. 
My birthday seems to be creeping up on me as well!!!  I don't care about it at all this year.  It is just another day as you get older, to remind you of how much older you are getting.  At least the people I work with think I am younger than I am.  I guess that means I am aging well.
I feel too ashamed a lot of times to ask for help.  Even in my recovery.  I don't want to bother anyone, so I just don't ask.  I know it helps when I let it out, instead of waiting until I am ready to explode and blow up.  I don't know if I will ever get used to being Bipolar or not, and think I will be learning to deal with it for the rest of my life.  I just wish I could stay steady in one mood instead of bouncing in and out of them all the time. 
Jesus will never leave you nor forsake you!!!  I just need to remember that when I think of the problems I have, because God will always be here when I have problems.
I was also given these verses to read:
Proverbs 3: 5-8
Trust in the Lord with all your heart; do not depend on your own understanding.  Seek his will in all you do, and he will show you which path to take.  Don't be impressed with your own wisdom.  Instead, fear the Lord and turn away from evil.  Then you will have healing for your body and strength for your bones.

Whatever!!!

Listening to the most different music I think I have ever heard right now!!!  But that is what I do.  I have not listened to KAOS Radio in quite a while, so what the heck.  Party Cake Ice Cream seems to make it a little better tonight.  "It" being my day.  Sure is wonderful for the sun to be out so long now. I know there is work I need to do, but need to get my schedule under control so I will know when I can meet up and get to work on my steps!!!
Is

Whatever!!!

So, "Whatever" does always sound good.

I don't know why some people can't find true happiness!!!  If you have God in your life as your #1, then it can happen.  Sure, it is not easy.  It is always something you have to work at.

Whatever!!!

What makes you angry?  How are you nice to others?  Are you nice to others?  I want to be a nicer person, I just don't know how.  When I am manic it is harder at times to control how I am.  I would rather be manic than depressed though.  I am torn. God, help me be a nicer person and not mean to anyone, but definatly not to those who I love and am very close to, for I want to stay close to them and love them, and have them love me back, for the rest of our time here together.  I am so sleepy.

Whatever!!!

Some people just don't seem to understand -Do unter others as you would have them do to you- very well.  I don't understand the point in hurting someone over and over again because deep inside you are a very unhappy person.  I know denial and it can be a very ugly place.  Is there a way to help other than prayer?  I know that God is listening, but are you?  Do you understand the consequences of your actions?  It is not always easy to know.  It is better to find out today, than to find out when it is your time in the end.  How do you know if you are going to Heaven?  Or Hell?  Not hard at times.  God's Grace Is just so Awesome!!!

I am enjoying this time with my family and my house fuller with more of them here for the week!  I miss them when they are gone and can not wait until they come back the next time.  I hope they have enjoyed themselves being here as well.  I want to make a difference in their lives.  I hope they will come to know God one day and accept Him as their Lord & Savior!!!

Whatever!!!

In response to a post someone made earlier today on facebook this was my post back:

"I have tried for years to not take meds for my mental illnesses, but I got no where in life. I have a good relationship with God, but that does not mean I do not need to take meds. I have been on them steady for a few months now and it allows my head to be free of some of the negative things Satin puts in my way, trying to break me away from God. I have tried suicide and hurt myself in other ways many times when I was not on meds. I can see through Satin's work now. I know it is not all the meds, but they have helped me enough to be able to do what God is asking me to do. I still sin every day but have hope that even when I do not realize what I am doing that God knows what is truly in my heart! It is not for us to judge others, what would we do if we walked in someones footsteps, not our own? We don't know what that person is feeling or what is going on inside of them. I do have a good Dr & therapist that I work with. I still have bad Manic episodes, but know God will always take care of me."

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I am glad for all God does, His Grace is so awesome!!!  I do not know how people can live without Him in life.  It is not a happy place with Satin.  I have some great family members and friends that are a good support team, beyond my professional help.  I do not feel it is wrong to take meds at all.  I do not completely rely on them, I do have God in my life, but know I am not at a point where I can live life without them at all.

Whatever!!!

Today we have a housefull!!! It is so wonderful. 

There was an all you can eat enchilada fundraiser dinner for Celebrate Recovery's trip to Summit.  After we went to the dinner we went and picked up the kids near Emporia.  It sure was windy out there on the highway.

Later that evening Leeanna's sister came with her children.  Now we have a housefull!!!  It sure is nice.  The kids all have someone to spend time with now.  So there are four adults and five youngins here. 

I have asked for the hairdresser to color my hair while she is here!  I have been waiting to get my blonde on for some time.  I just do not trust Je to foil my hair at all.  Hopefully sometime between now and monday that blonde will happen!!!

I am getting very excited for my Cousins wedding.  It is coming up quickly.  I am so looking forward to going to Texas for it.  I just really can't wait to see her and the rest of my family down there again.  It seems like it has been a while since I have seen them.  At least since last year for my Aunt and Unlce, but quite longer for my Cousin.  It will be great to spend some time reconnecting with them. 

I have been on the prayer team at church.  It is also beneficial for me.  I know it is helping me to pray to God more.  I am glad for the opportunity to pray for the requests that we get every week.  I can't wait to get the requests and be able to lift them up to God. 

Whatever!!!

For the second time today, I shall try this. 

I had a great time at therapy today.  It has been a long day, but good.  I did get to talk about how I have been doing and how I am coping with things that have come my way.  I am doing well.  Maybe I am more "School Smart" than I thought that I was.  I know how to learn and that is a great thing and will do me well for more time to come. 
I also got a call from the Derby Schools about being a Para Sub and my background check came back, so I am all set to go whenever I am able to work if I get a call.  What to do, what to do???

Took G-Ma to get her hair did today.  Looks good on her too. 
Je has to have a couple of teeth pulled tomorrow. I hope things go good for us at the dentist.

I am so greatful for the things & the people in my life.  I do not always know how to show it though.  I get upset at things, but everything is alright in the end.
Am very done with being used.  Do not need that in my life.  If you don't need me in your life for real, then just don't bother.  I am glad with being less DRAMA in my life.  I do not need anything new going on with that.  I have a peace that has come over me from it.
Working the steps in my CR Bible Study is helping me in life a lot.  I have been working on the steps, I still need to give my inventory, but have not wanted to stop working the books even though I am not going to the study any more.  I also have a devotional that a friend gave me that helps me do something daily when I allow myself the time.  I need to work more on reading the bible more and spending more time with it, with God.
Tomorrow Je and I will spend some time talking with Joe from church.  I do not exactly know how the conversation is going to go.  I hope it goes well.  I just wish I did not have to wait until tomorrow to be able to know how it will go.  I think I know, but maybe something will be what I think not.
I have joined the prayer team at church.  It is helping me with being closer to God and knowing that I am trying to through Him make a difference in someone's life.

I really miss my parents today.  All of them.  I have not seen some of them for a year almost.  I just want to be able to do more than pick up the phone and talk to them.  I am glad that I have my Pa with me always, but still not with me since he is gone.

We shall have a very full house part of the next week for Spring Break.  There will be four adults and five children here.  I am looking forward to the kids being here.  It does not seem like very long since Christmas from seeing them, but then it seems like it has been forever since we have seen them.  I sure have missed them.  I love to see all the changes they are going through in life and how they are always different from the last time that we saw them.  I think that Je will be getting his cookie dough that he bought from Madison for her Chior class.  I already am going to be baking cookies at the end of this week or at the begining of next week, so I just might have more to make than I had already planned on.  I do enjoy the baking.  I wish I could make time to do more though. 

I am really looking forward to Friday for Celebrate Recovery.  Then on Saturday there is the All-You-Can-Eat Enchalada dinner fundraiser for those who attend our Celebrate Recovery and are going to go to Summit this year.  I hope we are able to raise a lot of money for the trip.  It is not a cheap trip to take and hopefully this will make the cost more affordable for everyone going.

I am off to go work on something around the house.  I just wish that the dishwasher would clean what is on the top rack the first time that I put something in it, instead of waiting several washings for it to get clean if it does ever get clean.  I did make a chore chart this week.  I am hoping it will keep me on track and help me get things done around the house in somewhat of an orderly fashion.  I also think it will help when the kids get here!!!

Whatever!!!

Never thought that right in the middle of "WHATEVER" is the word "HATE".  That sure gives you something to think about.  Learned a lot from church on Sunday.  Hopefully will learn more this week as well.  It was great to have family and friends there with me!!!
I am only making slow progress on my song I started writing last week.  I had hoped to have it completed by now. 

I have therapy today.  I have been working on being in touch with my feelings.  Knowing what I am actually feeling is helping.  I think I am having headaches from the new med, but want to give it more time to see how it will help me.  I am glad at least I am not sick from it like I was on Friday and Saturday!!!

Whatever!!!

Tonight, tonight is a quiet and peaceful night. As peaceful as it can get with three crazy dogs.  Ok, I admit, only one is crazy, one is old and one is yappy.  My little Tristian is sleeping under the buffet over the heater vent.  Klause is on the couch asleep and Milo is walking around the house looking for who knows what.  I am starting a new medicine in the morning.  I am coming down from my Manic state.  I have been trying to do some writing on my book.  It is slowly coming along.  It is all in pieces right now, I have no idea how I am going to put it together but I know that will come in time. 

Sunday went to Winter Jam.  Seats weren't the best but it was good.  Had an awesome time!!!  Great memories!!!  And we didn't have to park too far away.  The Newsboys were great.  There were a lot of great bands, Red was a little different, but could live with that if I had too.

I am so dreaming of Texas.  Just looking at the pictures from when Jeremy and I were there and we went with Claire to look at the water.  It is the best beach I have ever seen!!! (And the only). 

I am excited for my Friday night tomorrow.   It is Celebrate Recovery. 7pm @ Derby Friends Church, in Derby.  I have been going to CR for almost a year now.  I am counting down the weeks.  I have until the end of April!!!  I am done with my inventory.  I have not gone over it yet with my sponsor, but as soon as we can get together I know we will do it.  I am working on AMENDS!!!  Having no expectations of what will happen when I make them is not easy but a must.  I am also working on another project and ready for further progress in it as well!!!

It has been about three months since I have been on my meds regularly!!!  I have not been missing days like I used to, and if I do, it is not because I am meaning to do it.

I can't wait for the flowers to start blooming!!!

Well, it is Tea Time, so I must go, hoping to relax before bed and the early morning tomorrow...